If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
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Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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