Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
honey bunches of taint.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
