I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
he just fucked me for my cheese..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
