i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
