Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
