If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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