Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is Oprah even human
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
