You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
