and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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