I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
