i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
