Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
