Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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