nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
