my phone needs a breathalizer
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
