Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
