she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
