I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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