Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
