im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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