Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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