this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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