boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
