My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We named our party play list daddy issues
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
