I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
