so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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