You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
