my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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