Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
