so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
