there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just found puke in my bra..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
