what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
