I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
