Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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