I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just want nice things and good sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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