Fuck appropriateness.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
