Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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