I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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