i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
