i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
