So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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