final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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