Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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