I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
