No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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