you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
