Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
