I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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