She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm at about main and main street
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
