Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
