At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
