Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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