please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
