Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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