You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
