and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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