Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
