You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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